Joys Of War

[Shen Pei (Tuvlan)]

...I Don't Think That Goes There...

"Sir. We've been at this for the past few days. The men are exhausted and are---"

"Did the new supply crate come in, yet?"

"...You ordered ANOTHER one!?"

"I want those toilets flooded, gushing full of shit. GUSHING full."

"Sir, in the name of all that is good and gracious---"

"HNNNNNGGGGHHHHHHH..."

"---The men and horses have all been overdosed on laxatives for days and---"

"EYAAAAAAAAAAAAARAGGGHHHHH..."

"...SIR, YOUR ANUS IS BLEEDING."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

2nd Lieutenant Chin Xiao developed an uncontrollable twitch in his left eye as he continued, with utmost seriousness, while General Shen Pei continued squatting with his robes tucked inwards to himself over a small hole in the ground, as the cries of thousands of men assaulted the ground with their feces. A crudely constructed building, exclusively made to create cook rice for, stood eeriely over the encampment as soldiers of every division of Shen Pei's personal regiment proceeded to create "ammo." Legions of recent recruits found themselves either with a large wooden branch in their hand to stir the cess pool while others travelled to and fro with buckets in their hands from the "working" soldiers to mix in more "ammo" in with water, while other forms of debris were thrown in.

Across the field, on the destroyed farmland due to their activities, four large constructs were slowly being pieced together by those "on break" from the "ammo supply making."

Reaching for a silken piece of parchment, Shen Pei rubbed himself satisfactorily dry and made himself decent again before striding on over, with a reluctant Chin Xiao at his side, who waved precariously to the others from the rice factory.

Striding on over to the artificial wooden bowl which was filled with several hundred gallons of water and kept heated constantly, Shen Pei bent over to wash his hands.

"Sincerely though, Second Lieutenant, why do you think we are going through the process of this?" Reaching over for Chin's proffered towel, he tweaked his left brow upwards a bit. "What is the point of something that would seem, otherwise, completely insane?"

"Um, sir. Symbolism? A test? A ploy? A new strategem? Exploring a new war tactic?" Chin replied rather wearily.

Then, with sudden, but nonchalant dawning, Chin's twitch intensified with realization.

"...Your amusement...?"

"Now you're getting it," Shen Pei replied, handing back the towel with an otherwise creepy smile.

[Yuan Shao]

Yuan Shao was not a man to sit idly by and let his men do all the work. Well, sure, they'd do the work but Shao's face would show up at even a simple bridge raising. He was a politician, and loved to let people know that he cared.

He showed up at the newest works, Strategist Shen Pei's new bio-chemical warfare agent. It sounded fantastically technologically advanced. Decades and centuries ahead of it's time.

What he found, was a giant wooden bowl of shit.

He came upon the wooden bowl-o-shit as he smelt it about a quarter mile out. He nearly vomited as he crossed the threshold toward it's resting place. He kept his distance and walked around towards where Shen Pei's command tent was, meeting the man there as he seemingly just finished relieving himself, and perhaps mentally scarring his attendant.

Shao reigned in as the column of guards split and began to set up a perimeter around the tent. Horsemen patrolled around the edge of the nearby forest for scouts.

Shao sat at the head chair of the table, his spot no matter who's table it truly was, and slammed his fist down atop the plans scattered across it.

"Shen Pei, you're a fool. A brilliant fool. And I will love you like a brother til the day I die...

But what the FUCK is this!?"[/b]

[Shen Pei (Tuvlan)]

Ancient Chinese Biochemical Warefare

Quite possibly the only room in a ten mile radius that provided some defensible resistance to the odor in the air, Shen Pei's attendants kept several hundred scented candles lit at all times from within the massive tent. Disregarding the otherwise obvious fire hazard that the room provided, Shen Pei and Chin Xiao were rounding about the planning table when the tent suddenly burst open with a blast of the outside's horrific air and invaded the room in a gust that was and is their glorious leader.

Shen's mouth gaping as suddenly as his eyes watered (for more then one painful reason), he suddenly held out his hands, cupping them towards each other, as he bowed his head to his lord, all other individuals in the room, following suit.---

"Shen Pei, you're a fool. A brilliant fool. And I will love you like a brother til the day I die...

But what the FUCK is this!?"

Note: For future references, I am changing Shen Pei's font color to Red when in the same room as Yuan Shao/anyone speaking with Gold/Yellow. I will revert to Yellow when otherwise alone. This is subject to change, pending.

A delighted, gleeful look came upon Shen's face, as he raised up his head, the tears dissipating with a happy accent to the dimples in Shen Pei's cheeks.

"My lord, Yuan Shao, it is an honor!" much to the chagrin of Chin Xiao, who did not even bother to hide his disdain for Shen Pei's rather off-the-wall behavior.

Proceeding along as if this were the most normal war-time strategem of weapons development, Shen Pei nodded again with a still delighted smile on his face. "My lord, if you will permit me, this 'biochemical weaponry' shall be one of the greatest assets I may provide for you."

Nodding once more, Shen Pei walked alongside to Yuan Shao (with a foul stench attacking him that lingered from the outside from his own participation). With a quick finger, he pointed to note the plans and maps, nodding (more to himself then anything) in affirmation. "Look here. It's simple. It's easy."

"Fecal matter is one of nature's most poetic fertilizers, ranging from the food we we eat to the waste we expunge from our bodies."

"By crafting this waste, I have found a way to not only recycle, but create a battlefield for our advantage. Enhanced by our greatest scholars and incorporated with seeds of various types of plants, this 'War Feces' can create a vegetation-ridden battlefield to an otherwise simple plain in the matter of three to six months, destroying the advantage of Gongsun Zan's so-called 'White Riders' in an instant."

...Chin Xiao had to guess as to how much of Shen Pei's enthusiastic draw on the subject was bsed on the spot to how much of it was actually thought out, considering the next scroll Shen Pei revealed out to the contents of the tent.

"Think then, too! The usage at home can help raise rice crops several times over. My personal scholars, Buo To and Nan Ye can't even figure out how much exponentially this will help us. By recycling our soldiers waste from the battlefield, we can essentially create a self-cannibalizing, self-sustaining, self-propagating system of food (I predict) in the next three years with the 'Rice Feces'."

Rushing about the table with a brush in hand to write down other ideas, while looking back and forth between Yuan and Chin, he nodded and smiled several times over, before putting away the brush.

"...And, of course, to launch large balls of dung at the 'White Riders'. Highly demoralizing."

=D!?

Chin plopped himself down in a free chair, simply raising his hands to his face, as if wanting to smother himself in embarrassment for Shen Pei.

[Yuan Shao]

Yuan Shao pulled out a pipe, loading the tiny ball of Islamic Happiness, he lit the end and pulled gently, allowing the vapors to sink in. He listened as the many gesticulated wildly, attempting to convey a point that only he understood. He aped as though he was making intelligent words form, but only frothing mania came forth.

Shao listened intently though, pulling from the vice that dominated his life. In a brief moment of clarity, one of those moments where all lucidity slides away and you can see everything clearly, a moment that is only experienced by those who have some seriously fucked up problems, and Shao saw his life falling apart. His son felt alienated, he was an addict to a forum substance that was slowly draining away his entire cash reserve, imported from foreign lands a great price, but almost a necessity for day to day existence, and the new-found plans for a war that he knew would end in his death, especially at his age, or by the hand of his son, or a friend. He was on a reckless course to burn out bright, and that scared the ever living day lights out of him.

This clearness soon faded as the opium took hold, all the old aches and pains disappearing. He felt lucid again, ready to accept this insane man's plan to cover the Baima horses with shit.

He nearly laughed aloud, instead keeping some semblance of composure. He put the pipe away as the ball vaporized out, it's potency gone, his supply dwindling. He'd have to get more, especially with Zan's head soon needing taking.

He looked at his anxious friend, a man he considered himself closer to than almost any other. Shen Pei had followed him for years, a middle aged retainer who was as genius as he was insane. The man had a political wit that was unmatched, and when he wanted to be serious, no man was his equal. But he indulged in the absurd, the macabre some of his greatest fascinations.

And Shao did not understand it at all. How could one man act in such a way?

"Shen Pei, my friend, you're as eccentric as I am determined to be the one ruler over this land. No one shall be better suited to be at my side than you and my generals Wen Chou and Yan Liang. I am glad to have you in my service.

But this plan... this Biochemical warfare, as you put it. It just... It just seems a bit much. An old man such as myself can barely stand the stink, but how are we going to use it against the horsemen of Bei Ping, if the cauldron and cooking area is here in Ye?"

[Shen Pei (Tuvlan)]

"Amusement" Is Code For...

Wary eyes. Crazy arms. Spirit fingers.

Chin Xiao took no notice of their lord's simple few puffs. Rather, at the time, he was far too busy attempting to suffocate himself with something other then the fumes of scented candles of comrade-related fecal matter. For Shen Pei, it was like playing the part of a retarded overenthusiastic child while his friend laughed along with by cutting off his phallus with a stone grinder. For such high-scale shenanigans were needed to comfort one of Shen Pei's hidden duress, watching the eyes of his lord as the foreign drug's effects took place.

"Shen Pei, my friend, you're as eccentric as I am determined to be the one ruler over this land. No one shall be better suited to be at my side than you and my generals Wen Chou and Yan Liang. I am glad to have you in my service.

But this plan... this Biochemical warfare, as you put it. It just... It just seems a bit much. An old man such as myself can barely stand the stink, but how are we going to use it against the horsemen of Bei Ping, if the cauldron and cooking area is here in Ye?"

Cupping his hands together to again honor his lord, Shen Pei only smiled the fool the same self-assumed hilarity as before.

"Your kind words are too good for me, lord, my friend. And equally warranting an explanation!" pointing up to the roof of the tent as if all were sensible. Striding around the table with conviction as he searched for the diagram, he found himself right where he had started from, before pulling from underneath the masses of papers and writings another sheet.

It was a gigantic drawing of a diagram for the process. In the first image, the feces was in a small tub of wood. The second show the fire underneath a plate of metal, all underneath the tub. The third image showed the sludge having shrunk and being scooped out by stick-figure soldiers as they shoveled the feces into five diameter-long ball casing. The fourth image showed the metal casing being heated by water. A fifth image with these mass-produced dung balls out of their casings, and perfectly solid, like dirt balls. A sixth image revealed the wagons with the several sheets of leather that would cover the ammo wagons. A seventh image displaying how the large dung balls could be placed on the trebuchet's head... and an eigth and ninth image showing a bucket of water being splashed on the dung and summarily being flung by the trebuchet at the stick-figured enemy armies for gross effect.

Placing down the large step-by-step diagram, Shen Pei nodded to Yuan Shao.

"We are nearing the completion stages. The fire will help cleanse the feces (somewhat) of its killing smell, and the dung balls will be solid enough for transport. I must also add, that, aside from the draining affects of dehydration on their bodies, my soldiers bowels have never been cleaner. A few days recoup shall see them in the best form they've ever been," Shen smiled a little more quietly.

"Do not worry, my lord. I shall see to it that the Yuans shall rule all the lands. But we must permit ourselves, sometimes, to laugh in the greatest and even darkest, most uncertain of times. Is that not right, my lord?" smiling warmly, as he patted his lord's shoulder lightly.

...Though, he had to note to himself how he could not say 'that Yuan Shao shall rule all the lands' to his friends face. He knew not if this were as foreboding as Shao's addiction or the rise of the other warlords from across the lands.

...

"...Sir, your anus is bleeding again," as Chin noted the stain on the lower back of Shen Pei's robes precariously, as he walked over for some papers to wipe with.

[Yuan Shao]

Shao nodded sagely as the mans poke, a surprising turn around from the man's previous insane ramblings. This time the facts were clear, distinct, and approachable, and there was no problem distinguishing fact from inanity.

Shao stood as the man finished, not listening to his friend's attendant. He held himself against the table, steadying himself from falling over. His mind was foggy from the opium, but he wasn't as bad as he's ever been. He walked towards the tent flap, and stood looking out.

"Be quick about this, Shen Pei. We are moving out soon, and this sort of thing we will not have time for. It is a... good, idea. But one that costs a lot of time, energy and men.

We march north, soon enough."

Yuan Shao exited the tent.

[Shen Pei (Tuvlan)]

Joys Of War

"Be quick about this, Shen Pei. We are moving out soon, and this sort of thing we will not have time for. It is a... good, idea. But one that costs a lot of time, energy and men.

We march north, soon enough."

"Lord," Shen Pei replied simply, cupping his hands together in honoring recognition to his friend. As soon as Yuan Shao slipped out of the tent though, the seemingly energetic Shen Pei staggered as he pulled out one of the seats at the table and quickly collapsed himself into it. Chin Xiao stared warily at Shen Pei, as the bleeding continued onto the chair with a tightly zipped mouth, before heading off for clean towels and a fresh set of robes in the tent---

"Wine, Chin. And wine."

"...Sir," Chin nodded quietly.

To say that it pained him to see his old friend in such a state was more then painful. How gallant, strong and proud Yuan Shao was, leader of the coalition, ender of Dong Zhou's tyranny. Time was indeed a cruel mistress to them all. Frowning to himself, he could only muse in disgust as he stripped himself in the tent as Chin tended to him (with an upturned face of disgust as the odor of the outside remained strong).

"...Tell the chefs to break out the apples to the men. It will do us no good to have them shitting themselves before the enemy in a literal fashion. Everyone shall be on break 'til the 'morrow."

Having to go ask to kill an old comrade. Asking to go to war. How silly their times were. Asking the soul of the land to kill a part of itself. Ah, the arrogant Gongsun Zan, presiding like a fool in the north.

Shen smiled, in spite of his disgust.

...Still, they would have to scrap the rest of their projects here. Only two trebuchets had been built during their time here and the forest looked all the more thin for it. The men would need more then a couple days of recoup to fight their hardest, and the trebuchets would wear away at their stamina as they marched. How---

Shen Pei's brows furrowed as Chin left the tent, clamping his nose as he headed off. A delighted smile came across Shen as he mused more. His creativity span out of control, as he took to the maps and blank parchments with a brush, dabbling and sipping wine as he reinvigorated himself.

So long as you didn't look at the big picture, there were many joys to be had in times of war. That much had to be true. It had to be.

For Yuan Shao's sake.